UPDATE

I don't even know where to begin. I feel I always want to post the happier things that go on in this place like when I receive packages or give or receive notes or presents from my little friends that I've made. And I hear about and have people all the time tell me how inspiring my blog is for them and their family and they don't know how I stay so positive and graceful through this whole trial. Well I have news for you all. IT IS REALLY HARD SOMETIMES. I very well put on a face a lot to be happy and brave (not that I am not happy and brave most the time) but sometimes it gets hard and there are moments where I don't want to be happy and brave all the time for everyone. I break down. I cry. I have anxiety attacks. Do I ever take a picture of me crying and put it on the blog? Heck no. So everyone has only been seeing the sugary coating that has been happening in the hospital. And don't get me wrong. There are some good times and moments. And they happen all the time! And I am going to share an experience that happened but I need some extra added prayers these next few weeks and I'm going to let everyone who reads this blog know why (and anyone they would please ask to pray for me as well).

The bone marrow team. They like to keep you in the dark and occasionally come in and drop a few bombs on you then go into hiding again. This last visit my mom and I had with the bone marrow lady started out with really good news! I have a donor! The only information I am allowed to know about my donor for a year is that it is a male and he is in his early 20's. I don't get to find out where they are from, what they look like or even their name until a year is up. And then it's only if the donor wants me to know who he is. I really hope so for I hope sometime in my life I can go and meet and thank my donor personally for saving my life. Such a selfless act of service he is doing for me.

Along with this good news came the news that my donor is donating his marrow to me on the 23rd of this month and that I will be receiving my transplant on the 24th. That is three weeks ago yesterday when I heard this news. You think I would be jumping for joy that this is all happening but honestly I am scared out of my mind. I thought I had at least another 5-6 weeks before my bone marrow would be ready and now I find out I have 3 weeks to mentally and physically prepare for this. This means my counts need to come up fast for this to work. My only other option is my counts don't come up in time and we push the bone marrow back to May. That would potentially leave a month for me to relapse though which is not good. So PLEASE START PRAYING FOR MY COUNTS TO COME UP!! They need to by next Friday. I know this is all Heavenly Fathers will and plan but I know the power of prayer is real and I am needing all the prayers I can get.

As I said earlier I have been having some anxiety and panic attacks. I feel people don't realize how much this is a mental challenge as well as a physical challenge. You can only be stuck in one room (not allowed to leave) for so long before you start to go a little crazy. Or in my case, start having anxiety. I am not thrilled with the idea of having my bone marrow in three weeks for a few reasons but one of them being that I was very much looking forward to the break from the four walls I am confined in. My break will be cut from 2 weeks to about 2-3 days. I am grateful for my donor do not get me wrong. But a little longer break would have been nice.

The other night I was starting to have an anxiety attack. My dad was here and he did help me calm down eventually but during it I kept thinking to myself "I need to text the Cornelius's to come give me a blessing. No it's too late to text them. I need to text them. No." It was a battle in my head for about an hour until I calmed down and just never ended up texting them. (Brother Cornelius is the branch president over the hospital). The next day my mom was coming up but she couldn't until about 6 pm that evening. As she walked through the door I could see brother and sister Cornelius following in behind her! I couldn't believe it. Heavenly Father totally listened to my thoughts and concerns. I asked them what they were doing here and brother Cornelius said that he got an impression this morning that they needed to come see me some time today. I started crying and told them about the thoughts I was having the previous night about texting them. How grateful I am that he is so in tuned to the spirit to be able to hear that prompting and act on it so he could not only give me a blessing but give me a reassurance of Heavenly Fathers awareness of me.

That's all for now. Please pray and have faith for me that my counts start moving! Thank you!